Online Therapy:
So..I cried myself to sleep last night..you know the kind of crying where you have gallons of tears & the throat jerking..I usually have small episodes that last for about 5-10 minutes..and then I am fine..but last night I created a l/o using a photo of when I was an infant (that I will post at a later date)..and..when I was finished..I just sat there and stared at the photo of this baby..me..and I wondered did {she} hug & kiss me as a baby?..did {she} feel..how I felt..when my children were born?..did {she} tell me that {she} loves me..as a baby?..did {she} enjoy waking up in the morning..looking forward to seeing my little face?..the photos I have of {her}..when {she} was pregnant with me & when I was small..{she} never had a smile..just look of disgust..was that because of me?..I wonder..I know that I cannot change who {she} is..and my life is so much more peaceful without {her} in it..but it is so not normal..people tell me that when {she} passes..that I probably will have a nervous break-down..gosh..I felt like I was having one last night..I wonder..will I be relieved..to the point that {she} is no longer around..for me to want to call when I miss {her}..or will it be worse..knowing that {she} is gone..and that I can't?
My friend Maria..tells me to write my feelings down..I think she meant on paper though..thanks for the suggestion Maria..it is helping. Big hugs *sigh*.
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10 comments:
So glad I haven't put on make up yet. Very emotional post. I can't begin to understand your pain, but I can listen and tell you that no matter what {she} did or didn't do, God was there to see that you didn't become who {she}was. He protected you and now you can rest assured that your kids will NEVER have to look at a scrapbook or picture and wonder those hurtful questions. You are such an amazing person to share your journey like this. Love you!
Jill, that is so sad. I am sorry you had to cry yourself to sleep.
I am not sure what else to write here... (((hugs)))
don't have any answers for you but i can tell you that {she} brought you into this world and had she not, you'd not have the lovely family that you do
Wow Jill, what an emotional post.... Gosh had she not brought you into the world no matter what her feelings were or your relationship with her now, this world wouldn't have the wonderful person you are and your beautiful kids would not have you as the super, loving mom you are....
I have been in your shoes with my dad and I can tell you from my experience not to second guess who you are or who you have become....
I've always been told that everything you have been through throughout your life makes you who you are today and I believe you are such a great person.... Keep your chin up....
PS.. Jill you are always welcome to give me a callit you ever need to talk... T
Jill...I went through this for many years. Just when I would think I was over it, something would cause me to dwell on it again. I let it affect my life and my relationship with my husband and to an extent my father. I finally had to tell myself that it was her loss and I wasn't going to let it control me anymore. I swore that I would be the kind of mom to Miss K that I thought I deserved, but never got. My mom is now back in my life, but it isn't anything like what a mother/daughter relationship should be and it probably won't be. I guess what I am trying to say is...just focus on the relationship that you have with your father and stepmother, your husband and your children. I know that saying that is easier than doing it, but it was something that helped me. I am here if you ever need to talk
So sorry, Jill...I listen to friends like you tell similar stories and it just breaks my heart. As was already stated, where you have been makes you who you are today...and I'm so glad that your kiddos don't have to wonder those questions as they get older and look at all the love that went into your scrapbook pages and into their lives on a daily basis...I have another thought on this matter but I'd rather share it in person with you sometime...what I can say for now is to give it to Him...it's all in His hands anyway...He died for such things as this...I will pray that you can work through this so it will never make you cry yourself to sleep again. Love and hugs and blessings!
I'm sorry Jill. Maria is right. It is a way of healing. I wrote a letter to my rapist. I never mailed it but it sure was good to get everything out. Some people mail their letters and I have even heard of people buning their letters and sending the ashes to their offenders.
I don't know if this is an option or not, but have you tried to reconcile with her?
Just remember you can be everything she was not.
Jill I'm sorry you had such a bad night the other day. Just remember the Lord put you her for a reason. were not suppose to understand why he does what he does. He choose to put you with her so maybe when your were older & an became an adult you could help her. Romana made a chose when she gave me up & the lord blessed me with a very loving Mother. We have our bad times but we've had alot of good ones. Maybe your mom is like she is because her mom never showed her alot of love & attention when she was young. You need to ask the Lord to guide you. You only have one mom & I don't want you to have any regrets when she is gone. Maybe all she does know is how to hurt people. Maybe you can give her a call again one day & you can sit down & talk let her know how you feel & let her do the same. I'm here if you need to talk. Jennifer
This is a book. But I think it is very important to share my heart with you here regarding what you are going through.
I'm so sorry you are having such painful feelings regarding your mom!!! {She} did you wrong, no doubt. But you can heal from it by being forgiving and by not letting that painful past affect today, and your future. I say this kindly -- don't let {her} into your head like that!
You and I both know the relationship should be different, and {she} should have been thrilled to have such a sweet little girl to love and care for. Thing is, what she wasn't, you are and more! You can right the wrong done by being that loving, supportive, caring parent to your 3 beautiful children that {she} wasn't.
What I found is, what a mother should be and what they actually are sometimes are miles apart. I do speak from experience, but would rather not divulge the details in this forum. I will say that after many years of questioning {her} reasons for hurting me (seemingly unintentional), what I realized is that I was giving too much importance to {her} and not enough importance to others. When I began to pray for God to fill the void that {she} left me with, He filled it with some wonderful people whom I consider family, even though they are not blood-relatives of mine. The more I focus on my own family and friends, and the more I do what is right by them, I find that the pain is not as severe. I find that place where I can reach out to others and be content because of the person I have become.
When I look around at all the living I'm doing that {she} is missing out on, I pity {her} because {she} is the one who's missing out on the good stuff that life has to offer. And that is spending quality time with my child, my husband, my friends and my wonderful extended family. I see her and visit her, and {she} could be such a larger part of our lives if {she} would make the effort, but {she} chooses not to.
This tidbit of advice comes from someone who's been there (similar hurt, different circumstances)... I had to let it go and let God take care of it. I do have a relationship with {her} but it is very limited and one-sided -- nothing like it should be. I do my part to maintain the relationship but it is one-sided and I know that. I have very important (to me) reasons for keeping it alive. It is not to let her walk all over me. She can only do to me what I let her. I approach the relationship with eyes-wide-open, and take it at face value, and nothing more.
As for the pictures... don't even go there, girl, 'cause it's not worth it! If it means getting rid of ALL the pictures of {her} then do that. Not in a mean, unforgiving way, but put them away so you never have to look back to that facial expression that haunts you so.
I still have the same phone number... call me sometime and we'll chat. Leave me a voice mail just in case my cell phone is out of range so I can call you back.
Big, big hugs!!!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}
~Denise
I am so sorry that you have felt so much pain...I am so glad you are able to write it down though. Sort through those feelings. I cannot begin to say I understand what you are feeling but I do think you are brave and good and a wonderful mother. You are here and we can be grateful to her for bringing a special woman into this world.
When Mom's Day rolls around again, just concentrate on YOUR children and your relationship with them. That is what truly matters now...the rest is the past. You are everything as a mom that she could not be...
it is her loss. A deep loss.
Just revel in your family joy. Hold onto that.
Many hugs,
Sue
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